crying out to God…
Let me just throw this out as a disclaimer here: this is not directed at any certain group of people or persons. This is just trying to let you in on what I’m dealing with – which is small potatoes compared to some things people are currently going through.
Last week was a tough week for me. I was just really struggling with my singleness. I don’t know what it is but I just couldn’t get it out of my mind. The thing is I’m not sure who I have here that I can really talk about it with. I mean really talk. Sometimes I feel like I’m on an island doing life on my own – while desperately crying out on the inside,
“I don’t like feeling alone!”
but not saying anything because I don’t feel like I have anyone who will listen. I’m just being honest. I know I do have those people in my life but lets be honest – life gets messy and people like to think that pastors have it all together. I so wish that was true right now.
Wednesday night I was driving home from working out and I was overwhelmed by it. I all of a sudden felt so lonely and just broke down and started bawling. God and I had an intense conversation. I even yelled at him because I feel so broken. It went something like this,
“God I don’t want to feel this way! If I’m supposed to be single I’m ok with that. Just take away this longing to be married to someone who can appreciate me for me! Don’t let me have these desires if you’re not going to do anything about it! More than anything I so want what you want for me – even if it’s what I have now…just take this away from me. Please…PLEASE – I am begging you…”
I was completely inconsolable to the point of going home and falling asleep just bawling crying out to God. Someone once told me I was too picky but I am unwilling to just settle. I can’t. It’s not who I am and it’s not who God wants me to be. Some would even mock me to find out there’s a girl who is absolutely physically attractive that wants to date me – but she’s not solid. She’s a believer but we don’t line up on the big things like: our walk with God, divorce, homosexuality and more. I just can’t. She knows it – we’ve talked about our differences. Do I wish we lined up more? Absolutely but I can’t compromise on my convictions and beliefs. I just can’t – which makes it tough.
At the same time I can’t help but feeling like I’m dysfunctional because I’m not datable. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m tired of not being attractive enough (or at all). I’m tired of not being successful enough. I’m tired of not being the Abercrombie and Fitch guy. I’m tired of not being Godly enough or worth it enough. I’m tired of being judged by my waistline and not my God-line or at least feeling that way.
I’m just tired.
I was pouring my heart out to God telling him all of this Wednesday night. I felt broken, embarrassed and ashamed. Then I was reminded of Hebrews 4:15, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.” Jesus can sympathize with me – not just in my temptations but also in my longings. My desires. The cries of my heart. It grieves him when I grieve because he’s sympathetic. He cries when I hurt because he cares enough – he even sympathizes. Jesus sympathizes with me – even while I’m crying out with God.
Wednesday night I know Jesus was crying and grieving with me and for me. This not only brings comfort but also brings assurance of a greater hope than anything I could ever experience while here on earth. I know all of the Christian cliches and I’m not looking for those. This is just me ranting. Some may think I’m mad and I’m really not mad – just frustrated. Sometimes I can’t help but think,
“God come on! Some of my friends or people I know are treating their wives horribly and they don’t love you. I love you and want to do what is right so what gives?”
I’m not looking right now either. That’s why I’m so confused at why this is a big deal for me. I’ve come to a place where I’m ok being single. I really am. I’ve got a great job. I do have good Godly friends. I love our students and our church. Why this has been a big deal for me this week I’m not sure. I take comfort in knowing God is in control of my life and that he will do what he sees best to do for me and with me.
I’m ok with that because he does know best.
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